Constellations

I am always fascinated by human relationships and just how complex they can get on a deeper level. Over the years we meet countless people and form nearly infinite connections. Often times I'm just browsing through the social media ( 'cause I have nothing better to do I guess...) and see mutual friends who have known my friends for far more years than I did. And that really puts me in a place of introspection I guess.

I would like to equate that feeling to an astronomer looking up to the stars and seeing processes on a celestial level or looking at formations of stars. It provides a certain perspective. It puts you in place. It can show that we are indeed not in the centre of the universe. Then the grim realisation dawns on me that yes, I may not be that important to whoever it is. No matter how much reassurance is given, there is always that little voice in the back of your head. That annoying prick of a voice. We always serve a role or a responsibility in these relationships; they are informal but exist nonetheless. And these aren't the hardest things the world, mostly just stuff like hanging around, or you being dragged into some label like 'the funny guy', not in a derogatory sense. It's like you're serving a function in the group based on your personality, providing a different side of life to the person like different comic books that guarantee different experiences. At least that is what I think.  At times I have pondered on the possibility that if I got in a fight with a friend they could just ignore me just because they have an option of like a plethora of other different, possibly more interesting people.

However thinking in that way feels too selfish and I really tend to embarrass myself that way, because there is a certain grandeur to it. Once you think that how many people we have met and formed relationships over the years, how many times we meet new people through already formed relationships. It really is fascinating to think whether we have impacted some fibre of their being as much as we feel they have impacted ours. And before we know it we have formed these intricate relationships with these amazing people whether it be through family, friends or just random chance.

   

Voice of the Self

" Fancy a story of self-discovery? "

So , the results for my finals came in, there were people who were extremely ecstatic and there were people who......no pretty much everyone was ecstatic. And why wouldn't they be, reaping the fruits of their hard-work.  What about me? I did good, good enough to be satisfied. Though I always believed that the previous year and the journey I had, was different than most. Where most were battling with marks and performance, I had to battle myself .

Even though I don't admit it, but I do have a bit of a low self-esteem. I'm indecisive, can't handle conflict and most of all cant't stand up for myself.  So it's always difficult for me to really choose for myself, because I always thought how it would affect others first and I was afraid to lose them, placing me a moral mud-pile. An under-confident, shy, unassertive mess.

Senior year happened and this was supposed to be 'make-or-break' for all of us (at least that is what we were told) and performance needed to be nothing more than impeccable. Everything seemed normal at first and I was hopeful that it would be smooth sailing. Then the mid-term block tests happened coupled with more class tests and every god-damn tests imaginable and before you know it my marks started to plummet like a rock in the sky.  People were shocked, 'how come on of the top scorers of 11th grade'(I think) suddenly fell down so much? You don't do that in your final year ! This included friends, family and mostly teachers. And henceforth the teachers came springing on to my tail and suddenly I was in counselling sessions, and special talks with teachers, something that I had never needed throughout my school-life. And even friends gave me lectures on my situation, some stricter than others. THAT GOT ME RILED UP, I felt that I wasn't meeting people's expectation, everyone looked so disappointed and each and every remark and look that spelt disappointment pierced my heart, but the worst had yet to come. After a while, I gave in to the pressure that I ultimately gave up and  pretty much convinced myself that I really did not want to care anything that related to school. Living life as a stress addled nervous wreck is a dark place full of late-night tears and wishful thinking that someone would save me (both of which I had never done for the past 17 years) and it is a very lonely, self-destructive path. I felt lonely even around my mates, I procrastinated highly and all of a sudden everyone was ahead of me. And also I was super-emo, and that was especially crap.

Though what a dark, lonely and solitary confinement does give you, is a lot of time for thinking and introspection, albeit  from time where one should be doing more productive things, but time nonetheless. And it was there I started to ponder upon my current situation and really starting to figure why was there so much disturbance in my life. It was then I realised that though I was tensed only really because of myself and my expectations, the matter of the fact was just that I wanted to meet my expectation (because I wanted to know whether I still had it..) and also meeting others' expectations (because I didn't wanna feel that all their involvement with me was in vain). Thus I finally understood what was wrong with me, I was a people pleaser who was not really sure of his worth and was too afraid to lose support and be left alone. That is where I met myself,  accepted who I was and I realised I could not be perfect in everyone's eyes and in that pursuit I started to lose myself. After that learning, I understood from now on, every decision I have to take it had to come from myself and I should learn to live with the consequences. That learning was handy since I was not left with much time to cover up. Thus, I made the decision, to focus now on work and use it as a distraction for myself so that I never go on that dark place for a foreseeable future. It was comeback time.

I think I had the exact same emotions as when Bruce Wayne returned to Gotham from that prison in The Dark Knight Rises, back into the world with a mission. Months had passed since 'The Wreck' (yes, that is what I shall call it..) had happened. Time was running short and I had to do a lot of studying. I knew that if I had to make up, I would have to give my best and for that I had to be alone, cut off from the world, couldn't talk to my friends ,abstain from all remedial/extra classes (God knows how much my parents fought for that), lock myself in a hole and try to make a miracle happen. For the first time in my life I fought with teachers saying that I needed time for myself to make it work and get the results, I had never fought with teachers, ever. And in my little hole I tried to study the subjects not as answers to questions, instead as subject matter and try to immerse myself in that, because I knew I couldn't study from notes since I tried earlier, therefore effectively nullifying all of my past study patterns during the year and adopt a completely new strategy mind you, mere months before finals. But I had faith in my decisions and no one would tell me otherwise. I was determined to use all the time I had , this was a do or die situation.

I have no clue how those last months of senior year passed but I am happy with the turnout given the time and challenges faced. I honestly did not care much about how marks I got because I had received a greater learning because of which I was able to grow into a much more confident and well-rounded person that I knew had prepared me for the future,even if I had to learn it the hard way. And that I believe is greater than the highest marks. However, do not misunderstand me for one second to call it even a remotely recommendable experience, and while I admit that most of the problem was myself, the external forces played their part as well . It always depends on how one reacts to these external forces and to what extent they let these forces influence them. I remember many people telling me during my phase that this was going to pass, though from this experience (if you want to call it that), I learnt that it does pass, provided if you take initiative, learn from the pitfalls, chin-up and move forward while hoping for the best. Though the most important learning I took back was to trust myself and in my abilities and while you should take criticism and respect everyone's opinion,  but you must be able to discern what works for you and what doesn't and for that you have trust yourself, listen to your heart and take a stand and be prepared for whatever follows. In the end I think that's what matters.

Fudge for thought #8: Moral Victories

"In defence of those who come ill prepared during exam, aren't we the people that are actually trying to apply our brains and use actual common-sense and logic to tackle the questions rather than rote learning entire answers and spewing them out? Isn't that the point of a 'test' ?

In the Heart of Darkness

“Hear your general!“ , he shouted and so he began:

“Now go forth comrades into the heart of darkness

Where you shall find floods of blood and piles of flesh;

And you will feast upon them.

They will come running towards you like a pack of hounds

 But you are stone, with heart of gold and prepared to sacrifice.

It is not a question of victory or defeat; it is now a test between courage and cowardice.

It is the question of your dignity and loyalty.

We may be outnumbered, but we have the zeal,

 And something that will rival thousands of mere flesh and mortality,

The fact that we fight together, as brothers, as equals.

Now march forth into the heart of darkness,

Hand in hand, shoulder by shoulder.

The objective is clear and the time is near.

Now march forth into the heart of darkness;

March forth into the hallowed halls of legend. 

A game of life

Hear Ye ! Hear Ye! and play the game of life !

T'is a game of marvel, wonder and rife !

yes you and you! , the little boy in blue, come and join the ride !

Enter a world full of challenge, for food, shelter and care

But beware;  it'll start easy but later you might feel a tad uneasy

For you will compete against a world, full of obstacles and people against ya' !

T'is the race for position and reputation !

You feelin' scared you say ?!?  But you haven't heard the reward ?

a time of enjoyment ! , pots of gold, and nobody looking at ya twice to steal y'er loot.

and for the victor of victors,

A day in Paradise, full of lush and green, cascading rivers of heavenly beauty !!!

So boy, don't think,  and hitch a ride !

or else,  make way for the one on your side..........

Fudge for thought #7: Best survivor

"Darwinian evolution says that the best survivor is the one who adapts to its environment, but Humans in the modern age seem to be an exception. So who is correct ? "

Fudge for thought #6: Irony of blogger

"The word blog actually registers as a false word......on Blogger"